Life Lately

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  1. I’ve been keeping to myself lately. Solitude is my favorite kind of medicine, and I’ve found it to be the most effective. My grandfather passed away recently, and one day I’ll dive further into that. But for now, I’m processing and refraining from pouring myself out into social media platforms. Even here, I’m just not ready for that yet. Instead, I’m digging up every birthday card from him, and studying the tilt of his beautiful penmanship. I’m trying to visit my grandmother as much as I can, and planning more visits home. I’m finding myself dwelling on how short life actually is, which is really not a fantastic thing to dwell on, but it’s happening. My most recent visit home was for my dad’s birthday, and while I was there I decided that I’m going to make more of an effort to spend more time with my family. I have a big, loud, beautiful, wonderful family. I’m fortunate to have stepsisters, and step nieces and nephews. I’m blessed with so many sweet, freckled cousins. I have Trey’s entire family, and each and every one of them are just as perfect as he is. I have three nieces on that side, and I don’t want to miss them grow up. I have my mom, and my dad. I want to be around so often, that they’ll wish I would leave them alone. Some people don’t love their families, but I have a really, really great one, and my grandfather never took it for granted. So, I don’t wan’t to either.
  2. It’s almost September, which means that I’m going to do what I do every year, and prematurely decorate for Halloween.
  3. I’ve been on the hunt for Half and Half tobacco. It’s what Papa smoked, and it’s the Papa smell that I love, and know so well, and I’d love to just have it on hand. It’s surprisingly hard to find.
  4. My September coffee table is such a bright spot in my life right now. Trey bought me this candle that smells just like cornbread. I haven’t burned it yet, because I don’t want to use it up. It’s absolutely heavenly, and every time I smell it, it’s like it grabs my heart and won’t let go. It’s highly likely that most of my family members will be getting one of these for Christmas this year. I also have my favorite polaroids of fall memories, and a book of quotations that I found in an antique store years ago. Written in 1922, with 1343 pages of quotations about everything under the sun, this book is one of my most prized possessions. Processed with VSCO with a6 preset
  5. When someone is grieving, there are very few “right” things to say. I think that having this book handy will be good for the upcoming month or months.

“Oh, sweet September, thy first breezes bring

The dry leaf’s rustle and the squirrel’s laughter,

The cool fresh air whence health and vigor spring

And promise of exceeding joy hereafter.

-George Arnold September Days

 

 

Changes

I don’t know what it is about losing someone, but it makes you want to change things. Maybe it’s trying to regain control, or trying to be better, or something else entirely. I don’t know. All I know is that I want to redecorate. I want to cut my hair. I want to be cleaner. I want to be more organized. I want to cook. I want to spend money. I want to exercise. I want to never move a muscle. I want to change in every way, for the good and the bad.

I know this is all just in this one moment. It’s destructive and constructive at the same time. It’s senseless and logical.

The day that my grandfather passed away, my mom said she wanted to chop her hair off and asked my aunt if she would do it for her that night.

My aunt wants to go skydiving.

My husband wants to have children and shave his beard and cut his hair.

My twelve year old cousin wants to plan her wedding.

Everyone wants something different than what is actually in front of them.
I know this will get better, and I know that we will all find our peace, and I know that we will accept our reality.

Crumbs

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Today was one of those days where you sit down to work on something, and then suddenly it’s dark outside and you realize that you’re sitting in darkness and have been working for six hours straight, not breaking to eat or readjust pillows or turn on music or noise or anything. Weird.

But, the day started with a slow breakfast at one of my favorite places, a car wash, then a relaxing but productive morning, consisting of me having cleaned and mopped the whole apartment by 11:30. THEN, I SAT DOWN AND WORKED (in silence, somehow?) FOR SIX HOURS, COMPLETING PROJECTS THAT I’D BEEN PUTTING OFF. What a day.

You know that saying that goes something like, “please excuse the mess, we live here” or something like that? Well, that’s how I feel about crumbs. Please excuse the crumbs, because I just ate a delicious raspberry crumble bar and it, like my appreciation for raspberries, just could not be contained.

And, that was my today.